Penetrating the Blogosphere

Hello internet world!

I must admit, I don't really understand what this is. I'm not even totally sure where I am right now. There's like this white box and I'm putting words into it but I don't really understand how I get anyone to read my words. Have I successfully entered the Blogosphere, or is there like some sort of internet ozone layer I need to penetrate through? If the latter is true how do I get through? Do I need any tools? I have a spoon and a ball-point pen, will that do?

I don't understand, someone send help.

Anyway, this is what I like to call an introductory blog post from yours truly. I have no political conscience, no artistic insight into anything that has ever happened, and generally very little to say on anything of any importance. I do however have vague intentions of writing awkward comedy articles and opinion columns based around the banalities of my every day life. But wait, don't get too excited by this mouth-watering prospect, because I am incredibly lazy and disorganized, (and not very good at writing) so in reality, on the off chance that you do decide to follow my blog, you probably won't have too much terrible prose to wade through. Have I convinced you yet?

If not, here is a little tantalising fact about myself to really get you going: I once received a stuffed teddy bear from the famous decathlete Daley Thompson. How about that? Famous decathlete Daley Thompson. Famous decathlete. Definitely famous. And to top things off, I don't even have the bear any more! What am I like? Hilarious, that's what. Seriously, I've got tonnes of these bits of fascinating trivia about myself. At the moment I can think of nothing else, but I promise that there is definitely more to come, and it might not be made up.

Okay so I'm approaching the half-way mark of the awkward introductory blog post, and I have realised that I have made myself sound so unappetizing that you probably feel as though you shouldn't follow my blog, because if even I openly deprecate myself as a dullard with nothing to say, then what hope have you, the humble reader, got of enjoying my blog.

Well... Shut up, yeah. Don't be so clever all the time.

Look, I've compiled a list of reasons why you should stick around (oh my god post number one and I'm already on my knees and begging for someone to pay attention to me, I should be too cool for this):

1. I promise I will actually do real posts about actual topics that do exist, and said posts will contain jokes.
2. The hit/miss ratio of my jokes will be at least 1:10, but I can run through the jokes at a blistering pace and you will barely even notice they're there.
3. Most of the time, I am savvy to the correct usages of There, Their and They're.
4. Because I will inevitably have very few followers, you will be one of a select group, and I promise I will make you feel like a member of a beautiful community (or satanic death cult, we'll see). Who knows, it might even just be you and me. That would be nice, wouldn't it? Do you live within a one thousand mile radius of Coventry? Maybe we could go for dinner later. We could get some Chinese food, maybe some wine, we'll see what happens.

Look at that, four reasons. FOUR whole reasons. Look me in the eye and tell me you aren't tempted. I was going to do five but I thought I was starting to clutch at straws a little in honesty. Point three is essentially a lie, too.

Actually, I do have a fifth reason after all. reason number five comes in the form of a visual aid, and it is me lying seductively in a sweaty room:

Need I say more?

Well, it seems this is the place where the post ends and the plethora of adoring women begins.

If anyone works out how to use this whole blogging website thing, let me know. I will thank you sexually or non-sexually depending on your preference.