Hey, do you remember when it was snowing a few days ago? Well, in order to give this blog post relevance, you are going to have to. There is actually still some snow about. I saw the shrivelled base of a snowman beneath a tree earlier, so don't call me a liar.
Okay fine I was lying. That was just an example I imagined for artistic purpose. I can do these things okay I'm a writer. You wouldn't understand, you don't have a blog WITH OVER ONE HUNDRED VIEWS. Anyway, my point...
I'm not sure if this is actually funny, but hey, you don't come here for the jokes, right? You come for my dazzling insight into contemporary issues. In honesty, the chances are you don't come here at all.
Now, if you think snow is fun you are severely misinformed. Snow is not fun. Snow is cold. And no good has ever come from that which is cold.
I can hear you're voices now, "but but but snowball fights, and snowmen, and you know, things involving snow. What's nicer than being outside in the lovely snow?"
Well imaginary sir, in rebuttal to this naive rhetorical question that nobody has in fact asked, I have compiled a satirical list of things I find more enjoyable than snow:
I would rather spend a Thursday afternoon trying to teach someone else's grandmother (with whom I have no blood relation to) how to set up a Facebook account. I would rather wait for a bus with an aquaintance with whom I have very little in common. I would rather walk towards someone I sort of know, but I'm not really sure if they know who I am, down a very long, straight path, and face a sustained period of indecision at whether or not I should say hello, just smile, or try not to make eye-contact at all. I would rather unload a dishwasher. I would rather be hugged for a slightly inappropriate length of time. I would rather be picked on in a seminar for which I have not done the required reading. I would rather sit next to a man of questionable personal hygiene on a train. I would rather drink a bad cup of tea. I would rather make a joke, and then no-one laughs so I think that they haven't heard it, so I say it again and everyone is like, 'yeah Dave we heard you the first time, it just wasn't funny.' I would rather accidentally send a text about someone to the person the text was about. I would rather try and read while there are people around talking at an inappropriate volume. I would rather listen to the most recent Black Eyed Peas album.
All these things are far more appealing to me than the concept of frolicking in the snow. So before you ask me if I would like a snowball fight, please bear in mind the fact I like to keep slightly humorous lists of things that are better than other things, and I am prepared to use them.
Having said this, I would probably still join you for a snowball fight though, because hey, who doesn't like snow?
...having come from the equator, the snow is still magical to me. Not really sure how long that's going to last to be honest.
ReplyDeleteAlso, just wanted to say that:
'I would rather walk towards someone I sort of know, but I'm not really sure if they know who I am, down a very long, straight path, and face a sustained period of indecision at whether or not I should say hello, just smile, or try not to make eye-contact at all.'
ALWAYS.
I find that the magic lasts exactly until the snow gets turned into brown sludge by cars and ends up looking like the worst flavour of slush puppy.
DeleteAnd if the path is so narrow that there is barely room for the two of you to pass, so you have to pick a side to walk down, and then you both end up picking the same side and walking into each other... Well then it all just gets too much.