The worst student cookbook

Before I came to university I was given a book called “The Ultimate Student Cookbook” by Fiona Beckett, which is a book that aims to provide realistic recipes for students to cook. Here is a picture of me with that book for a face:

If only this was my real face. It would be so useful.

If you look at that front cover there you would be forgiven for thinking that it does actually provide simple and easy recipes for students to cook. I mean out of onions, flour, eggs and pasta even an idiot like me knows how to cook three of those things (which is a pretty high ratio in comparison to most pictures of food that I generally see). However the front cover of this book is an absolute lie. Here are just three of the ridiculous dishes that they genuinely believe an incompetent student like myself is able to cook:

• Irish soda bread.
• A red onion, chicory and gorgonzola tart.
• Unami salmon, which includes ingredients such as demerara sugar, fennel seed, cayenne pepper and nam pla (which is some sort of thai fish sauce apparently).

Out of all those words I just used I think I understood less than half of them. How many students have nam pla in their cupboards? But this is not my main reason for hating the book. No, it would be ridiculous of me to hate a thing based on it not fulfilling its one and only simple function. The real reason why I hate this book is because of the smug and irritating former students they have to put in their expert advice (as both students and cooks, you'd think they would be qualified to do so; but they aren't). My least favourite of all these students is a man called James. First of all I obviously hate James because he cooks. Who likes cooking? Nobody likes cooking; get some hobbies or dedicate your life to something more worthwhile (like having a less smug face). The second reason why I hate James is because of this stupid thing he calls a "Top Student Tip." You don't need to try and read this photo, I just thought I would give you a picture of his stupid face:

So blurry and smug.

So he's talking about ways to avoid hangovers and then right at the end he says “One method I tried, and it was effective, if hard to maintain, is to drink the same volume in water every time you get a drink. Pint of cider? Pint of water too, please. It really pulls the birds as well. They love it."

Let me just repeat that last bit for you: "It really pulls the birds as well. They love it."

Do they James? Do they really love it?

First of all; birds? Who says "birds?" Yeah birds. Wahey birds. Top birds. Wahey birds. Tits wahey birds. Tits birds. Tits football birds. Wahey nuts football birds. Tits football wahey beer football birds. Football birds tits nuts beer geezer birds tits. Wahey tits birds geezer football beer nuts birds tits lads football. Birds lads football top geezer beer tits birds. Football birds tits beer lads geezer nuts lads bird tits birds.

Secondly, I may not be very good with women, but I have seen at least two films in my life and I am therefore under the impression that girls are meant to like bad boys. But according to James' logic, what attracts girls is not bad boys, but boys that regulate their blood alcohol levels through a sensible hydration system. The only way in which I can see a woman being aroused by a man buying a pint of water with every pint of beer or cider is if he was trying to chat up a woman working for the Drink Responsibly advisory committee. If you saw her sitting among her friends, all of whom have an alcoholic beverage and a glass of tap water in front of them, then maybe you could seduce them using pick up lines centred around James' very sensible hydration system. I imagine in that instance it would work incredibly well actually. They'd see you coming over and she'd start whispering to her friends “oh my god, is he... keeping hydrated by purchasing an equal measure of water with every alcoholic beverage? I've never been so turned on in my life. We could probably have sex in the morning too we'd be feeling so fresh and clear-headed. Of course we would have to go to the bathroom first and urinate for about 10 minutes each, having essentially just drank a bath-tub full of liquid.”

But unless you can find such women, buying water with every beer would just be a hindrance. I mean instead of calling it “The Ultimate Student Cookbook” they should probably call it “The Ultimate Student COCKBLOCK” (pun intended). And it wouldn't just hinder you when trying to pick up birds (birds! Tits! Football!), it would also just be a nuisance to carry around two pints full of liquid around with you. What if you had to catch something? What if somebody threw you a packet of crisps or some fruit? What if you were standing there, pint in each hand, and somebody said “here catch this” without looking and threw a tennis ball at you? It would either hit you in the face, which would of course be irritating, or you would have to dodge out of the way while probably spilling some of the two pints of liquid that you are carrying around.

You may have noticed that I am not persuaded by James' argument that a pint of water with every beer is like some sort of watery woman magnet; I am still of the opinion that women like bad boys.

Speaking of which, ladies, I'll have you know I can drink at least three pints of beer before needing a glass of water. Don't act like you're not impressed.