Tesco Everyday Value

I don't know if you've noticed but the Tesco Value range has been replaced by Tesco Everyday Value. It's not special any more, that sort of value just comes along every day. There's no sense of panic now. It's not like Sainsbury's Basics. You can't go without the basics can you? It's not like Waitrose Essentials. You can't go without the essentials can you? They're essential aren't they? It's not like the Asda Smart Price range. You wouldn't go without those would you? You'd be an idiot to pay any other price, regardless of whether or not it was more expensive. But Tesco Everyday Value. Well, that sort of value just comes along every day.

“Shall we buy this?”

“What is it?”

“It's a bit of ham. It says it's Tesco Everyday Value.”

“Well... we can just get it another day can't we. It's Tesco Everyday Value. I imagine we could come back any day within a reasonable time frame and we could still buy it for a similar price. It would be a different ham, obviously, but it would basically be the same ham at the same price. It's the sort of value you get every day.”

“But I quite fancy some ham now.”

“Yeah but there's no rush. We can get that sort of value every day.”

“How about today?”

“Well... you don't need to jump the gun do you?”

“What?”

“You don't want to false start.”

“Yeah but-”

“Look, if you were running in the 100 metre sprint final at the Olympics, would you start running before the gun went off?”

“I don't really see how that's relevant.”

“Don't jump the gun, is all I'm saying. Of course you'd like to go before the gun went off because you'd get a head start. You're forty-five and a bit overweight after all; you could probably do with the head start. But you can't jump the gun, you'd get disqualified.”

“But we're just buying some ham, it's got nothing to do with running.”

“Yeah but it's a metaphor isn't it? Don't jump the gun and buy the ham today because, well... it's Tesco Everyday Value isn't it? It's the kind of value that comes along every day.”

“But if you're running a race you can't just start running at a random moment. You don't want to jump the gun, that's a given. But you don't want to run a long time after the gun has gone off, because then everyone else would have started running. In fact there's a very specific time when you need to start running, and that is more or less the exact moment that the gun is fired.”

“Yeah well it's just a metaphor.”

“Yeah but my point is that my craving for this bit of ham is like that gun being fired at the start of the race. Basically, we need to buy the ham now, because the perfect time to buy ham is when you have a craving for a bit of ham.”

“Yeah but it's Tesco Everyday Value though isn't it? It's the sort of value you can get every day.”

“YES BUT MY FUCKING CRAVINGS FOR HAM DON'T COME EVERY FUCKING DAY DO THEY? CAN WE JUST BUY THE FUCKING HAM?”

“Jesus, I never knew you liked ham so much.”

“I DON'T. I JUST WANTED TO EAT A BIT OF HAM, IN A SANDWICH, MAYBE WITH SOME CHEESE, BUT DEFINITELY WITHOUT YOUR FUCKING BULLSHIT.”

“Okay okay. We'll get the ham. Calm down.”

“Thank you.”

“But we could have bought it any day at all.”

“...”

“Do you know why?”

“No.”

“BECAUSE IT'S TESCO EVERYDAY VALUE!”

“I hate you.”