The History of the News

Of course, it came to a point when there simply was too much news. Daily newspapers doubled in size and were as thick as a James Joyce novel (not Portrait of an Artist, you smart Alec). Everyone agreed that with its increased size and weight the newspaper had become most unwieldy, as reading the news was practically a two-man job. Reading the paper on a train or bus was all but impossible unless you were sitting next to an accommodating stranger with whom you shared similar interests.

And nobody could finish an entire newspaper in a day. It took three or four days, minimum, and even the most voracious readers tended to be a few years behind in their understanding of current events. BBC's Have I Got News For You prided itself on making topical quips that were no more than four years old, but unfortunately most of its viewers were grappling with even older news and thus couldn't understand Ian Hislop's witty topical wit. After a long period of steadily declining viewing figures the BBC decided to cancel Have I Got News For You and chose to replace it with a looped clip of Ian Hislop's wrinkly old body dressed up in ladies clothes, doing the sort of dance a lady might do. Critical responses were, on the whole, positive about the change of programming, and most people agreed that this was secretly what they always wanted to see.

Some radical environmentalist whack-jobs started to worry about the mass deforestation taking place in order to print all of the news, and thought it especially awful considering everyone was pretty much in agreement that internet news websites killed significantly less trees. The environmentalists were very vocal about their opposition to all of the news, which ironically was in itself newsworthy and its estimated this news was responsible for the killing of a handful of trees, which technically speaking is about one tree, possibly less, depending on the size of the hand. They staged numerous protests, burning newspapers and using the fire to toast their marshmallows of environmental justice (which luckily were on offer in Tesco) and also to provide atmospheric lighting and warmth for their guitar-driven protest songs. Things reached something of a crisis point when the environmentalists decided to bomb large portions of the Amazonian rainforest that were being used for the news, causing devastating forest fires and pretty much wiping out what was remaining of the rainforest.

The evisceration of the rainforest created an irreconcilable paradox: the environmentalists had caused a catastrophe of profound topical importance, while simultaneously removing the resources available for printing a written account of their embarrassing blunder.

That is why the UN eventually decided to enforce a worldwide ban on all news. If a man so much as mentioned a topical event in a public place he was guilty of propagating news and could face up to eight years in prison. Of course nobody knew about the ban, seeing as it was in itself a piece of news, and thus people naively dealt out news left, right and centre. They would have been arrested if the police were informed of the news, but as it was the UN collectively decided that news of the ban must not leave the meeting room.

I imagine this will all be news to some of you, in which case I ask you to burn this or the computer on which you are reading this in order to protect your innocence.

If the communication of this news is impossible due to the criminality of sharing the news of the ban on news, is it not somewhat of a plot hole that I am able to relate to you this news?

To that question I answer this: no, you're a plot hole. 

April Tomfoolery

It is April Fools day today and I hope you have all recovered from your April Fools Eve celebrations. Last year for April Fools day my dog pretended that it was dead and we all pretended to feel quite sad and we buried it in the garden. It is a very funny dog and it is probably one of the three best dogs at April Fooling that I know. It is still down there now, pretending.

I don't even have a dog, that was just a cheeky April Fools day trick which I did to make you look silly. Would you like to learn how to April Fool around on people? Well, wipe that egg off your face and hearken to my top April Fools day tips.

Obviously you can't do the April Fool about having a dog because that's my best one and I need to use it myself every year, but here are some other suggestions:

April Fool #1: Pretend to be the actor Daniel Day-Lewis and telephone Barclays
Get permission from your Mum or Dad so you can use the telephone to telephone Barclays, and then ring them up and when the man or lady asks for your name you need to say “my name is Daniel-Day Lewis,” (remember that you aren't really Daniel Day-Lewis you are only pretending) but you have to say it in Daniel-Day-Lewis' voice so they believe you, otherwise it wouldn't be very funny at all. Then when they ask how they can help you, say that your debit card has been stolen and you need to cancel your card because you've got a lot of money in the bank because you were just being paid to be Abraham Lincoln. Technical details such as these should convince them of your identity, and when they cancel -Daniel Day Lewis'- debit card you tell them you were just doing an April Fool so they can't be angry with you. You can do this with other actors (I can't think of any right now) but if you do remember to change the bit about playing Abraham Lincoln or they will think you are weird.

April Fool B: Tell a man his parents are dead
For this you need to find a man and say that his parents have died and that they are dead. If he starts to cry then pat him on the back and say it's okay and that there are plenty more parents in the sea, although sadly none of the other parents are his parents, because his parents are dead (remember that his parents aren't really dead you are just doing a joke). When he has finished crying and his eyes look all heavy with sorrow you need to jump up and say “April Fools! They are alive really!” (If it turns out that during the course of your conversation with the man that one or both of his parents has actually died, then you can say that you were doing a double April Fool, which is so hard to pull of that he'll be really impressed and won't even feel sad.)

April Fool B.ii): Pretend you have no head
This is fairly self-explanatory really I don't think I need to explain this one.

April Fool iv(4): Tell a close friend you love them and want to kiss them
Find a close friend and tell them that you secretly love them and have loved them for a long time but you have just been too scared to say anything until now. If they say they love you too and that they feel the same and that they are so pleased the two of you have finally been honest with each other then say “haha not really, I am the April Fooler,” and if they say they are really sorry but they don't feel the same way and they hope that this won't effect your friendship you can say “haha no I was only joking for an April Fools joke.”

April Five: Wear a funny hat
Sometimes when you do an April Fool you don't have to lie to anyone you can just wear a funny hat or something.

These are all of my ideas and I can't think of any more. Remember to say sorry to anyone you make cry and you're welcome to anyone you make laugh.

Pope Francis' Religious Struggle Against Easyjet

Just after the new Pope was elected I was watching BBC news and a journalist said that the new Pope, Pope Francis, was sitting with an unused return ticket to Buenos Aires, and he speculated that the Pope must be very happy to be elected as the Pope, which I think is to seriously underestimate the frustrating and bureaucratic nature of Easyjet's refunds policy. You can't just get a refund on a Rome to Buenos Aires flight a matter of days beforehand. That must have cost the Pope almost 300 pounds.

We can only estimate just how many hours Pope Francis spent on the phone with Easyjet's customer services, but I imagine the scene from Francis' papal chamber was something like this:

[Pope Francis, on the phone with Easyjet.] “Yes, the name's Pope Francis, that's P-O-P-E Francis, or if you want you can just call me The Pope...... I'd like to cancel my return ticket to Buenos Aires please...... Well I know it's due to leave in six days, but the thing is, just last night I was actually elected as the head of the Catholic church...... yeah, that's why my name is Pope...... You're right, it would otherwise be a very eccentric name to give a child...... So can you see why I need to get a refund?...... Company policy? Do you not think in this case there are some extenuating circumstances?...... Do you not have a sub-heading under your terms and conditions in the case of papal elections?...... You're right, they should have a section for that...... Look, I know I'm the Pope, yeah, but I could really do with that money; it's almost 300 pounds. We're renovating the Vatican this summer, we're going to cover up some of those rubbish old paintings. Damien Hirst is doing a nice mural for us and we're going to have old Benedict soaked in Formaldehyde....... Well I like him and I think you need to get over your artistic elitism....... Look, the point is, that money is going to go a surprisingly long way, so.......

“What's that? You think that Pope Francis seems like the kind of guy who would have anticipated this sort of bureaucratic inconvenience and, just to be on the safe side, would have purchased a single from Buenos Aires to Rome and planned to get a single back home if he needed it?....... You should know that you actually realise quite a substantial saving if you buy a return ticket, so buying two single tickets would have been awfully wasteful if I didn't get the job...... You're right, this is more wasteful, but I didn't think I'd get to be Pope...... You're right, it was very humble of me. I suppose my humility may have been the reason why I was chosen. I suppose if I had bought a single, that would have revealed a certain degree of arrogance, which would have kept me from the papal throne, hence meaning that I would in fact have needed a return ticket.”

[At this point the Pope realises that he is implicated in a beautiful, religious and bureaucratic paradox. He is struck by the aesthetic brilliance of God's work, and realises the Easyjet refund policy is in fact undeniable proof of His almighty existence.]

Meanwhile the board of executives at Easyjet congratulate themselves on hijacking the third successive papal election, once again earning themselves almost 300 pounds.

Chortle Student Comedy Award

I took part in the Warwick heat of the Chortle Student Comedy Award, and this is a video of the full thing:

The rest of the heat is also on Youtube. Sarah Kendall won the heat, and I'd also recommend checking out Chris Purcell and Michael Kehinde, who are Warwick students and were among the smartest and funniest of the acts that night.

A fictional rumination on calendars containing boobs

“Seriously, why do you have one of those?” asked Nick, pointing to the Nuts Girls 2013 calendar nailed to Peter's bedroom door.

“Don't act all high and mighty Mr. Germaine Greer, you like boobs too.”

“Yeah but I don't keep a certificate on my wall to prove it, like, “This is to certify that Nick Taylor does enjoy looking at boobs, signed, The Society for the Verification of Boob Enjoyment. P.S. A tastefully photographed buttock has also tickled his fancy on occasion.””

“There would probably be a separate certificate for that.”

“True.”

“But anyway, if you got a certificate you wouldn't even hang it on your wall, you're too ashamed of your mammary voyeurism. At least I'm honest about my penchant for nipple gazing.”

“It's not about honesty, it's about being considerate to the people who come into my room.”

“The only person who ever comes into your room is yourself.”

“What, like, I stand in the doorway with the door propped open and propel my bodily fluids through the threshold?”

“Yeah.”

“Nice. But my point is, I don't have my masturbatory aids plastered to the walls because I want to spare my visitors the visual reminder that I wank.”

“To be honest, once I'm four days into the month I'm pretty much finished with the calendar for the next twenty-six days or so. So it's really only a mental image that you have to deal with if you come here when the month is still young.”

“What's the date today?”

“The third. We're just about in the dangerzone still, although not for long.”

“So then what, she's just like, on your wall for the rest of the month, judging you for what you've done to her?”

“I link to think of her more like a clingy ex, begging for more and muffling her sobs when she has to witness me and my new lover. It's a real confidence booster.”

“That's probably the worst thing you've ever said to me.”

The Batventures of Batman's Batboner

“I'd like to thank our servicemen and women for their recent efforts in the light of this catastrophe, but I think the real hero in this situation was Batman,” said the Mayor. Batman smiled, quite arrogantly. No-one asked him to make a speech, but that didn't stop him delivering a 45 minute pre-prepared explanation of how he thwarted the Joker. Everyone was bored and wanted to go home, apart from the Mayor, who listened intently to Batman's tale, and bit his lip seductively. Batman shot the Mayor a cheeky wink. “Get a room you dirty bum bandits,” thought the surprisingly homophobic detective. Robin looked on, seething with jealousy, but also slightly stimulated by the frisson aroused by the thought of Batman's infidelity. He tried to hide his lumbering hard on, but it's exceedingly difficult to conceal an erection when wearing nothing but pants and tights on one's bottom half, or so I imagine. “And so in conclusion,” concluded Batman, “I think that not only am I the hero that Gotham deserves, but also the hero that Gotham wants to shag.” Every applauded politely. The Mayor was a bit annoyed that Batman stole his finishing line, although he couldn't possibly stay angry at those pecks.

This Blog Post is None of Your Business

As I've mentioned on this blog before, Chris Brown (or Christopher Brown as he likes to be called on the streets) is an awful human being, and his offensively terrible pop music is overshadowed only by a rich history of domestic violence. Now he has teamed up with his former victim Rihanna on her latest album Unapologetic to record the controversial track Nobody's Business, and like a shit Midas that turns everything he touches into shit, Christopher has helped Rihanna create a track that is, well, shit.

Have a listen:

First of all, it would be unfair to disseminate this song without a look at the worst two lines of the song:

Every touch becomes infectious,

Let's make out in this Lexus.

What is it that's so irresistibly romantic about a Lexus? Sure, Lexus do generally make reasonably nice cars, but they are hardly the auto-mobile equivalents of a heart-shaped, rose-petal-strewn bed in a dimly lit room. A Lexus is probably about the connubial equivalent of two single beds pushed together in a Travelodge: the facilities are adequate for all your love-making needs, but you probably wouldn't choose it as the location of a surprise anniversary gift. Do you really want to make out in a Lexus, Rihanna, or are you just saying that because it rhymes with the word “infectious?” I suppose it is quite difficult to find rhymes for “Jaguar.”

“Ain't nobody's business” is the defiant refrain repeated ad nauseum, or at least that's what it says in the lyric booklet (if it comes with a lyric booklet that is; it's probably just pictures of Rihanna's boobs or something. I don't know you can't expect me to do any research.) because those certainly aren't the words Christopher and Rihanna are singing. Instead they repeat the words “ain't nobody bid-na” at you like some strange and disorientating form of Dada-ist high art. This I don't really understand. I mean I know in pop music language is de-formalised and you can expect the odd 's' or 't' to be dropped from a few words here and there, but the word “business” in no way resembles the word “bid-na.” Was it Christopher or Rihanna who came up with the idea of replacing the main word of the chorus with another, completely unrelated and meaningless word? It must have been something that they sat around and discussed. When planning that song someone must have said “hey you know this word “business?” Well, how about we replace half of the letters with a random assortment of vowels and consonants from this game of Boggle?” It must have been something they discussed, because there is no way in the world the two of them could have simultaneously decided to replace the exact same word with the exactly the same Dr. Seuss-esque nonsense word at exactly the same time. There's more chance of SpikeMilligan's “On the Ning Nang Nong” being an attempt at Agricultural Reform that miraculously encountered a string of eighty-eight consecutive typos.

Let's put the aside surreal pronunciation and awful lyrical content for the moment however and focus on the message of the song. It's quite a difficult song to unpick and I'm sure it is loaded with ambiguities and nuance, but I think what Rihanna appears to be saying is that her and Chrissy's relationship is none of anyone else's business. It's interesting that if her relationship with Chrissy is nobody else's business that she would choose to write a popular song about that relationship for an audience of literally millions of people. It seems somewhat contradictory, and possibly even dishonest towards her true feelings (can you believe it?). It seems like what the song should really be saying is not “our relationship is none of your business” but “if you disapprove of our relationship then it's none of your business, but if not then please show your support by buying this song, learning the words and singing along at performances costing £60 a head.”

That's just what I think anyway, although I'm sure it's none of my “bid-na.”