Anyway, I have noticed that I have somehow developed some sort of
fan-base in Russia, oh the wonders of random internet self-promotion.
I say fan-base, I've had about six views from there, but for me
that's a lot. So, this ones goes out to my homies in Russia. If you
aren't Russian, I'm sure you can still manage to derive some sort of
enjoyment out of this post that actually has nothing to do with
Russia whatsoever.
Okay, so if you don't know me, and you don't spend all day drooling
over me/stalking my Facebook pictures, here is a picture of me:
That's me in the middle next to the Asian man, being molested.
I want you to look at me. Specifically my body. I want you to look at
my body. Now, I am a man of a petite frame. So much so that saying
the word man in relation to myself feels a bit ridiculous. I'm at
that awkward stage really where I am technically old enough to call
myself a man, and on legal documents, or if I was horrifically
murdered and I was on the news, I would be referred to as a
nineteen-year-old man. However I tragically have the frail frame of a
boy. A starving, pre-pubescent boy. And having the frame of a
starving pre-pubescent boy, I hate every man that does not have the
frame of a starving pre-pubescent boy. I mean I really, really hate
them.
Don't get me wrong, there is definitely no question of jealousy here.
No, put those foul thoughts aside.
What I hate most about them is that they go to the gym. Now, I have
never been to a gym (as you may be able to tell), but it just seems
to me the most despicable place. I mean, people go there, they lift
up heavy objects with their stupidly big arms. Then they run on the conveyor belt of solitude and they cycle on the bicycle of loneliness,
it's all utterly ridiculous. They don't even go anywhere, they just
run or cycle on the same spot until, satisfied with their failure to
move anywhere, and exhausted by their lack of progress, they get off
and drive home. Why can't they see that if they just get off the
conveyor belt and walk around it they can actually beat the machine?
So while I was vociferating these thoughts of mine to anyone that
would listen, someone told me that the purpose of these machines is
to simulate the process of running or cycling in a confined
environment in order to exert oneself physically in a way that can be
artificially controlled. Then I said “I know, I was merely feigning
idiocy and being satirical in order to belittle your attempts to
better yourself.” Then they said that pretending not to know things
that are incredibly obvious is one of the lowest and least amusing
forms of comedy, and I said “I know, but I was hoping I could get at least a paragraph or two out of it for a comedic blog post on the internet.”
I don't have many friends.
In truth it's not the running or the cycling that angers me about
gyms, it is mainly the men lifting heavy things in a repetitive and
monotonous fashion. Who does this? Why? So that you can gradually
lift heavier and heavier items until you can one day lift up a small
boat or a grand piano or something? Or is it about trying to sculpt
your body into something that is appealing to women and (more importantly) gay men?
Okay, so I accept that women are attracted to the body shapes that
men try to carve themselves into in gyms. But, and call me crazy (as
nobody ever has ever; “distinctly average” or “with a
reasonably amiable personality, I suppose,” but never crazy), is
there not something about muscular men, wearing very few clothes,
lifting heavy things and watching other men lift heavy things as they
grunt passionately, that resembles the activities of homosexuals? And when they all get changed together, tacitly comparing bodies with
the other men, is there not something inherently gay about that?
Now, I'm not saying that every man that ever lifts weights in the gym
is gay. No no no no no.
But... that does happen to be exactly what I think.
And I don't say this out of jealousy, but because I think it is
simply unfair that these muscular men are forced to have sex with
beautiful women all the time. It must be so difficult for them, being
gay, but having to sleep with women that are so attractive that they
don't even resemble men in the slightest. They are too insecure to accept their sexuality and pursue erotic relationships with other men (which they definitely want to do). Instead they try to go for those
women that are a bit on the manly side, maybe with a mono-brow or
with a really wide jaw in order to try and imagine that they are men
when they have sex with them, but these masculine women are far too
intimidated by the flawless physical appearances of the pursuing men
that they run a mile when approached like pigeons being chased by a
toddler.
Beautiful women: it is just unfair to have sex with these stunningly
attractive gay men. Do you have any idea what you are putting them
through? You are forcing them to have sex with your despicably
feminine and slender bodies, when all the time they are wishing you
were a man. They may pretend to like it, but they secretly hate it. I
fear a continuation of this demonic and cruel ritual will only lead
to depression and possibly (definitely) suicide among these men. So please, stop
hurting these poor people, and boycott any sexual practices with
muscular men.
And I don't say this out of jealousy. Definitely not. But if, once
you have boycotted all sexual activities with muscular men (that are
all secretly gay), you find yourself needing to have sex with a man
with the body of a starving, pre-pubescent child (that is totally
straight)... one that will not despise you for sleeping with him, and
that will not suffer bouts of severe depression and excessive
self-harm as a result, then I may be able to help.
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