Biscuits for breakfast

Ever since I started a comedy blog, everyone has been asking me what I have for breakfast. I thought I would clear up everybody's concerns once and for all today.

Every day in the morning I have Nestle's Cookie Crisp for breakfast, and it is amazing. It tastes so good because it's basically just biscuits. I get to have biscuits every day for breakfast now, because I'm at university now. THAT'S RIGHT MUM. YOU CAN'T CONTROL MY BREAKFAST CHOICES ANY MORE NOW MUM. I'M HAVING BISCUITS FOR BREAKFAST NOW I'M A BIG BOY AT UNIVERSITY. I'VE GONE OFF THE RAILS MUM. I'M USING WHOLE FAT MILK ON MY BISCUITS TOO! NONE OF THAT SKIMMED SHIT. I'M HAVING BISUITS FOR BREAKFAST! WHOLE FAT MILK! EVERY DAY! I'VE GONE OFF THE RAILS MUM. IMAGINE SOME RAILS. GET A CLEAR IMAGE OF SOME RAILS IN YOUR HEAD. DO YOU SEE ME ON THOSE RAILS? NO. NO YOU DON'T. I USED TO BE ON THE RAILS, BUT THEN I STARTED HAVING BISCUITS FOR BREAKFAST, AND NOW I AM NO LONGER ON SAID RAILS. YOU CAN'T HOLD ME BACK ANYMORE MUM. I'LL HAVE WHAT I WANT FOR BREAKFAST NOW AND I WANT COOKIE CRISP. SOMETIMES I HAVE A BOWL BEFORE BED. IT'S SO DETRIMENTAL TO MY HEALTH. I'VE GONE OFF THE RAILS MUM. IT'S A SLIPPERY SLOPE. TODAY I'M HAVING BISCUITS FOR BREAKFAST AND TOMORROW I'M INJECTING HEROIN INTO MY GROIN BENEATH A SLIDE IN A CHILDREN'S PLAY AREA. I'VE GONE OFF THE RAILS.

But I didn't start this blog post in order to imagine a satirical dialogue with my mother. I started this post today because my box of Cookie Crisp cereal challenges me ethically and emotionally. Now, let's take a look at this box:

Only a wolf with two spoons can adequately tackle the sensory onslaught that is Cookie Crisp.

You've got the wolf there, licking his lips. I bet he's licking his lips, they taste fucking good. Perfectly reasonable front of a box here. Then, turn this box around, and look at this ludicrous side of cardboard:

Okay so here's the thing: I don't actually know how to transfer a photo from my phone to my laptop (that's right I did genuinely take a picture of the back of my Cookie Crisp box in order to demonstrate the follow point.) Now I've just had to recreate the image on Paint. Luckily I have a decade of Paint experience, and I feel I have effectively portrayed the essence of Cookie Crisp. Anyway, you should probably have ignored this and just started reading the next paragraph, because now it isn't going to flow, is it?

Here is where the good people of Nestle somehow try to claim that eating biscuits, chocolate chip biscuits, for breakfast, every day, is in some way healthy. You've got the pictures there, of cookie crisp cereal, and other things that you could have breakfast, and you've got the nutritional information, and the claim that the good, child-fattening, artery clogging people at Nestle are making is that they are somehow healthier than your average breakfast choice. But look, look what they are comparing it too. Okay on the one side you've got jam, margarine and white toast. Lots of people have that breakfast every day. Your being a bit liberal there having both margarine AND jam, but hey, your at university now, fuck it, you can have margarine with your jam.

I'll give you that one Nestle, but look. Look at the other common breakfast choice that they choose to use to demonstrate their point. Crumpets with a shit load of margerine. Crumpets and margerine, that common daily breakfast choice. Let's take a closer look at crumpets (because why not, they're delicious):

Hardly the fruit salad of the breakfast world (which is a fruit salad, obviously).

You thought Cookie Crisp was bad for you didn't you? Well, oh no... you idiot, because Cookie Crisp is better for you than crumpets and margarine. So you don't need to feel guilty about having biscuits for breakfast, because if instead, you were going to have crumpets and a shit-load of margarine, like you usually do every day for breakfast, and like other people always do when they aren't busy downing pints of marshmallows, if you had crumpets and margarine, that would have been worse for you according to the arbitrarily selected hierarchy of nutrients that Nestle values. Marginally worse for you.

Forgive me for being facetious, but it feels a bit like MacDonalds saying “our big Macs are healthy. Look, bear with us. If you took the apparatus of a chocolate fountain, and replaced the chocolate with melted lard, pure melted lard, and you used this apparatus to make a lard fountain, and instead of dipping in strawberries, you dip in rashers of bacon, glazed with bull semen, if you had that for lunch, like you normally did, instead of a Big Mac, then that would be, using the arbitrary hierarchy of nutrients that we have selected, that would be less healthy, than one of our big macs. These are the facts. You can't argue with the facts.”

The amount of times I've been outside MacDonalds with a friend, and I've gone, “hey do you want to get a Big Mac, they sure are tasty,” and my friend goes, “I don't know, what about that new place down there that does that thing with the lard fountain, and the rashers of bacon, with the bull semen,” and I go, “oh that does sound equally appetizing, but I wonder which one is more nutritionally beneficial to my diet,” and my friend goes “I don't know. Neither of us knows which one of the two choices of lunch that we usually have all the time is more nutritionally beneficial. If only the company producing the healthier of the two options could put up a sign, with pictures, detailing the arbitrarily selected nutritional values of both lunch choices, then we would have all the information at hand, and we could then choose, with ease, the healthier of the two options.” and I go, “yeah, that would be great, ever since Nestle did that on Cookie Crisp cereal I have stopped eating crumpets and margarine for breakfast every day.

So I got a bit distracted there and I went off on an irrelevant tangent in response to that innocent and imaginary question about my breakfast preferences. I've been thinking about doing angsty, self-referential OUTroductions rather than the conventional introductions, just to mix things up a bit. But I guess the point of the introduction is to act as comedic foreplay for that hilarious sex we just had. Then usually I would end with a joke or a pleasing turn of phrase that puts an end to the blog post in a nice and satisfying manner. By ending on a weak note that rambles into nothingness I'm only really going to evoke dissatisfaction and unease, which really, if we're going to continue that analogy I started earlier about comedy blog posts being like sex, then this may well be the purest, most true self-reference of them all.

Mumble mumble mumble. Mumble mumble mumble. The end.