Just after the new Pope was
elected I was watching BBC news and a journalist said that the new
Pope, Pope Francis, was sitting with an unused return ticket to
Buenos Aires, and he speculated that the Pope must be very happy to
be elected as the Pope, which I think is to seriously underestimate
the frustrating and bureaucratic nature of Easyjet's refunds policy.
You can't just get a refund on a Rome to Buenos Aires flight a matter
of days beforehand. That must have cost the Pope almost 300 pounds.
We can only estimate just how
many hours Pope Francis spent on the phone with Easyjet's customer
services, but I imagine the scene from Francis' papal chamber was
something like this:
[Pope Francis, on the phone
with Easyjet.] “Yes, the name's Pope Francis, that's P-O-P-E
Francis, or if you want you can just call me The Pope...... I'd like
to cancel my return ticket to Buenos Aires please...... Well I know
it's due to leave in six days, but the thing is, just last night I
was actually elected as the head of the Catholic church...... yeah,
that's why my name is Pope...... You're right, it would otherwise be
a very eccentric name to give a child...... So can you see why I need
to get a refund?...... Company policy? Do you not think in this case
there are some extenuating circumstances?...... Do you not have a
sub-heading under your terms and conditions in the case of papal
elections?...... You're right, they should have a section for
that...... Look, I know I'm the Pope, yeah, but I could really do
with that money; it's almost 300 pounds. We're renovating the Vatican
this summer, we're going to cover up some of those rubbish old
paintings. Damien Hirst is doing a nice mural for us and we're going
to have old Benedict soaked in Formaldehyde....... Well I like him
and I think you need to get over your artistic elitism....... Look,
the point is, that money is going to go a surprisingly long way,
so.......
“What's that? You think that
Pope Francis seems like the kind of guy who would have anticipated
this sort of bureaucratic inconvenience and, just to be on the safe
side, would have purchased a single from Buenos Aires to Rome and
planned to get a single back home if he needed it?....... You should
know that you actually realise quite a substantial saving if you buy
a return ticket, so buying two single tickets would have been awfully
wasteful if I didn't get the job...... You're right, this is more
wasteful, but I didn't think I'd get to be Pope...... You're right,
it was very humble of me. I suppose my humility may have been the
reason why I was chosen. I suppose if I had bought a single, that
would have revealed a certain degree of arrogance, which would have
kept me from the papal throne, hence meaning that I would in fact
have needed a return ticket.”
[At this point the Pope
realises that he is implicated in a beautiful, religious and
bureaucratic paradox. He is struck by the aesthetic brilliance of
God's work, and realises the Easyjet refund policy is in fact
undeniable proof of His almighty existence.]
Meanwhile the board of
executives at Easyjet congratulate themselves on hijacking the third
successive papal election, once again earning themselves almost
300 pounds.
