The Black Eyed Please Stop Making Music

Disclaimer: After the publication of this article I was made aware that there is actually a vegetable called a black-eye pea. The following piece of writing therefore contains a glaring oversight on my part, and even though the words I have published are fully editable, I've chosen not to do so because I can't think of a whole article's worth of new jokes. It would be a whole lot less embarrassing for me if you could pretend that I'm being ironically stupid. Enjoy!

The Black Eyed Peas are a band that make popular music for money. This one time they wrote this really good pop song called “Where is the love?” but they later decided that things like innovation and artistic merit got in the way of all the money they could make writing songs about Fergie's lady lumps. I'm not going to dwell on their music too much because I had a delicious mushroom-based pasta dish for dinner and I wouldn't want to throw it all up. Instead I want to examine the cause of their evil, money-grabbing ways, and I think we can trace the problem back to the naming of the band. I mean, how terrible a band name is the Black Eyed Peas?

First of all, what sort of a subject for a band name is a pea? Why would they choose to conjure up associations with a small, boring and insignificant vegetable? Such characteristics goes against the Black Eyed Peas' ethos of attaining widespread fame and popularity at all costs. If they were going to choose a vegetable, surely the pumpkin or the large novelty beetroot would more appropriately capture their aspirations. You know, something that is impressively big but at the same time inherently disgusting.

And these aren't just peas, but “Black Eyed” peas, which is stupid because peas don't have eyes. They don't. I know you might assume that they do, but if you really think about it, they don't. You might have seen a pea with two tiny bruises on it, which may look a bit like eyes, but they aren't. They are bruises. Maybe for a practical joke somebody managed to draw two tiny little eyes on a pea, and then they showed it to you and from then on you always thought that peas have eyes. But I can assure you that those eyes were fake, and that peas don't have eyes. In fact, I can go one step further in the clarification of things and their relation to eyes, and say that no vegetables whatsoever have eyes. This is because vegetables are not animals, and thus they have no need for eyes. I don't know if the Black Eyed Peas have made the mistake of assuming that peas are a kind of animal. Maybe they thought they were the ball-forms of large green woodlouse. Or perhaps they have never seen a pea before; however if this is the case then why would they name their band after a thing they have had such a limited experience with? For all they know peas could be evil or sexist, and I imagine they don't want to be associated with that (although their music does suggest otherwise).

I suppose you could argue that peas look a bit like eyes. I mean, they are spherical, which is pretty much the main feature of an eye. If you were going to make a face out of vegetables then of course you would use peas for the eyes. You would be mad not to. Utterly mad. Then once you've got the peas for eyes I imagine you could have like, a bit of carrot for the nose and... some carrot for the mouth. Perhaps you could use some shreds of grated carrot for the hair. Actually you could use slices of carrot for the eyes, but that would probably be a bit too much carrot; it's important that you keep the peas in there to balance out the pea:carrot ratio. Very important. There are no other vegetables.

But the Black Eyed Peas aren't making the entirely reasonable suggestion that peas look a bit like eyes, but they are saying that peas have eyes, and what's more, that these eyes are black. Why are they black? Have they been punched, or are they some sort of cartoon-style black and white eyes?

There are so many questions left unanswered. If the peas' eyes have been punched, who is going around punching all of these peas? Why would they do that? It seems incredibly unreasonable, what with the pea being one of the most harmless vegetables in the vegetable kingdom (unlike the carrot or the sweet potato). And who is this person that is so inept at punching peas that he is unable to squash said peas, and instead merely leaves their eyes bruised? He must have tiny fists.

If, conversely, the peas' eyes are black because they are involved in some sort of animated cartoon probably aimed at children, then is this a reference to the 1990s BBC children's T.V. series Poddington Peas? I find it very strange that an American pop group should decide to name their band as a sort of homage to a mediocre British children's television series. The Black Eyed Peas are mad I say. Mad. Although I suppose it would make sense if the Black Eyed Peas enjoy Poddington Peas because they are not quite ready to move on to adult television programmes, what with all the big words and attempts at artistic credibility.

All in all: it's a rubbish name for a band, and they need to think of a new one. Perhaps I could help? Will.I.Am, if you're reading this (as you probably are), how about calling your band the Massive Sell-Out Pumpkins? It may not be a great name, but at least it makes sense.